Being the wife of a pastor is a life besieged by the expectations of other people. How can you handle these expectations in a way that brings God glory? Pastors' WivesThey are the superheroes of the church. Piano player, flower-arranger, church secretary, Sunday School teacher, librarian, punch-maker, casserole-baker, children’s choir director, hostess for out-of-town guests, and often the janitor. Woman, thy name is Pastor’s Wife! Stand up and take a bow (before you flop on the floor of the lobby in sheer exhaustion). Pastors' wives have the dubious privilege of being in one of the professions most pierced with the unrealistic expectations of other people. (I’m sure being the wife of a president or prime minister carries some of the same challenges to an even greater degree. I’m so glad I’m not called to that, aren’t you?!) Quite often these expectations are completely contradictory. If you are the wife of a man in the ministry, you are expected by some people to hold down a full-time secular job (to support the pastor since the church can’t) or never to make money on the side (since you should not need money when God provides all your needs). You are expected to both oversee the nursery and teach the children’s church, even though they take place at the same time. You are expected to make all the meals for the church fellowships and yet allow all the other women to make their specialty foods. You are expected to keep your own house absolutely glisteningly clean so that you can have company at any moment and yet always be at the church in order to meet secretarial or janitorial needs. You are expected to rear your children in such a way that they will be angelic examples for everyone else, and yet be prepared to desert your family at a moment’s notice in order to meet everyone else's urgent needs. These expectations from everyone around you could lead to stress, discouragement, irritation, or apathy. Instead of giving in to these natural responses, free yourself from the expectations of others and focus on God’s expectations for you! The truth is, God made every pastor’s wife differently. Some are piano geniuses; others can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Some are natural organizers; others struggle with making their beds in the mornings. Some have secretarial skills that would make a Fortune 500 executive’s office manager blush; some can’t type and have to beg their teenagers to turn on the computer for them. I like to think of pastors' wives as a bouquet of flowers in the hand of God. Pastors' wives, like flowers, are lovely in their variety: all different colors, all different types of flowers, with all different beautiful scents. Some are tall, elegant, and reserved like a Calla Lily. Others are as cheerful as a daffodil. Some have the vibrancy of tulips; others have the delicacy of roses. Each one is unique, with different strengths and weaknesses. And each one adds to the beauty of God’s Kingdom. If you are a lay person, take a moment to look at your pastor’s wife this way. Don’t judge her by your expectations. Ask yourself instead what her God-given strengths are. And then watch the way she uses those strengths for the glory of God and the church. And thank God for her. If you are a pastor’s wife, don’t be weighed down by the unrealistic expectations of others. Understand that people pay a high compliment to your role when they magnify all of the potential ways in which that role can be fulfilled. But filter those expectations through two things: 1. Your knowledge of God and His will for you. 2. Your husband’s needs and desires. When God first made Eve, He gave her a high calling: to be a helper fit for her husband. That, my dear friend, is your true calling. . . just as it is for every wife. Yes, there are many other ways of fulfilling your role. I have met pastors' wives all over the world who are fulfilling their roles in beautiful, unique ways. But don’t forget these two most important things: God and your husband. If you get those right, everything else will fall into line. Live with that mission. Before the wedding, true love waits. But after you are married, there are a few things that true love doesn't wait for. . . Read this guest post at Rooted Thinking.
So, you have met THE ONE. Or you think they may be THE ONE. Or you hope that they are. But how can you know for sure? The Checklist:This checklist of six very important things is a start to determining God's will for your marriage.
Many people think that if there is an open door in their lives, they are supposed to walk through it. This is not always the case. How can we properly handle open doors? One of the Berrey family jokes is that if I put it on Tim's plate, he is providentially destined to eat it. "Well," he says mournfully, looking down at his scrambled eggs, "I really wanted oatmeal this morning, but I guess providentially I was destined to have eggs." (I could have lots of fun with this. My family eats ketchup on our eggs. His family finds that revolting.) He is just joking, but this reminds me of a serious fallacy regarding open doors and God's will for us. Many people think that if there is an open door in their lives, they are supposed to walk through it. This is prime foolishness. An open door does not always indicate God's will for you. Some open doors lead to empty elevator shafts. Just because you received that job offer in Kathmandu doesn't mean you are supposed to uproot your family and apply for frequent flyer cards. Just because that guy proposed to you doesn't mean you have to go wedding dress shopping. And that offer of a free mucho-grando banana split-o while you are on a diet? Not necessarily an indication of your fated fat-filled future. We hear this often here in the Philippines regarding job offers abroad: "Well, if I receive a job offer, I will know it is God's will for me to leave my family and move to Saudi Arabia to work." Really? The truth is that there may be many open doors in our lives. We have a responsibility to consider which ones God truly wants us to walk through. This can be hard work. It takes self-discipline and Scripture searching and prayer. It takes research. It takes submission. I think we rely on the "open door" idea because it is so much easier than sweating our way through all of the options. And if it matches our own selfish desires, we can point at it to justify our decisions. Here is how to properly handle open doors. HOW TO PROPERLY HANDLE OPEN DOORS1. Examine that open door through the lens of Scripture, searching the Bible for
2. Seek godly counsel from others who know the Word of God, understand the matter in question, and are fully acquainted with you. 3. Pray and ask God to direct your plans. Then ask for His continual redirection in any area in which you might stray from His will. 4. Expect God to lead you to the open door He wishes you to walk through. When you properly handle your open doors, you can walk through them with confidence, knowing that even if you DO end up free-falling down an elevator shaft. . . You can enjoy the ride. God has led you there. There is no guarantee that behind all of God's open doors for us lies success. Sometimes failure or trial is God's perfect will for us. But how precious it is to pass through a trial knowing that it was ordained of God and not a consequence of failing to seek His will! Examine your open doors carefully. Why did God say "No"? Why, when He ordered you with Fatherly ferociousness to let your requests be made known unto Him, did He turn around and say no? Why would a loving Father smash your hopes and dreams about the one thing you know would make you happy? Dr. Tom is a man uniquely suited to missionary life in Cambodia. He has an obsession with sharing the Gospel and the medical skills necessary to garner a hearing in villages up and down the riverbanks and dirt roads of one of the world's poorest nations. Furthermore, in a country where you can step outside your kitchen door and find yourself face to face with a venomous viper poised to attack (as he has done), it is helpful if you have been a "snake handler" in a former life. Dr. Tom learned snakes early on. Before God sent him to Asia, he did school demonstrations about snakes. So when one blistering morning in Cambodia opened with a shriek from the second story that heralded the presence of a snake (in the trashcan, of all places), Dr. Tom ran to his wife's rescue. It ended up being the snake's rescue. That snake had gotten a little too cozy with a baby diaper and the sticky fastener of the diaper had stuck to its scales. The poor thing was having a hard time wriggling across the floor with that heavy diaper attached. Missionary life is full of humorous moments. We were their short-termers for the summer. Since neither my husband nor Dr. Tom's wife were willing to help out with the surgical procedure necessary to separate diaper from snake, I happily volunteered. You see, I have this strange quality: I like snakes. I like the way they squirm. I like the way they feel in my hands. I like their scaley, smooth sides. I think the way their little tongues go in and out is cute. My husband hates them. He is far wiser than I am. Truth be told, I only really like "safe snakes." I like snakes that I know are not poisonous, or snakes that I can handle without fear. I don't like a snake in the grass near my children's play area unless it is a teensy-tiny, science projecty, clearly non-poisonous one. Or a fake one made from clay. And, no, I don't like snakes on my plate. I wouldn't give my children a snake when they ask for fish for dinner. Would you? Neither would God. Jesus tells us that in Matthew 7:9-11: "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" Children are foolish. In my last post I told a true tale about scissors and blood and small baby hands. Scissors are not a toy for babies. But they are a tremendous tool for those who have wisdom to use them wisely. Which brings me to my second reason of why God may have said "no" to your object of desire: maybe it is not yet time. Maybe there is some maturing that needs to take place first. Maybe you need to learn how to use the scissors. Maybe God's answer wasn't "No." Maybe it was "Wait." Trust your Father's wisdom. If He said "no," trust that when the red light finally becomes green, He has the sovereign ability to let you know. Jim Elliot DID eventually get a green light to marry Elisabeth, although for a while there things seemed iffy. And that wait produced maturity in both of them and a book titled Passion and Purity. It also gave them both some independent time on their various mission fields and all the fruit and growth that can come with that (which then gave us the book These Strange Ashes). Here is the goal: that we trust God to say "yes" or "no" or "wait." That we thank Him for red lights as well as green lights. Red lights prevent nasty crashes. As I said in Part I, Sometimes We Ask For A Stone, God sees and knows all things. He knows what things are bread for us and what things are stones. He knows whether that is a fish we are asking for or a venomous viper. He will not do you wrong. Trust the heart of your Father. MORE ABOUT GOD'S WILL:
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Tim and LauraTimothy and Laura Berrey are missionaries with Gospel Fellowship Association. They share a passion for missions which has taken them to several countries in Africa, Asia, and Europe. They currently minister in the Philippines. Want articles like this delivered to your inbox?
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